Our churches are open to all and Jesus came for those who needed to be healed. They are, or should be, a magnet for those who are hurting or ”damaged” but people do not necessarily come into a church recognising their vulnerability. It is important, therefore, for those in positions of leadership or influence, to be aware of this. Adults and young people may also be vulnerable due to isolation, having lost contact or closeness with family and former friends when they became a Christian or changed their way of life. They may also be more vulnerable just because of their desire to learn and grow in their new faith. The Christian faith involves trust and dependence upon God, but this can be a risky business as it involves believing what is taught by those perceived to be more experienced and knowledgeable. For many leaders the desire to pass on or proclaim their beliefs, is the motivation that led them to take up such a position. Some leaders, however, are totally unaware of what a strong influence they are having and some allow their own sexual needs to overtake the higher motive of Christian service. Beyond this we also have to recognise that some people work themselves into positions of leadership and influence in order to abuse.

Abuse of trust within a church can therefore be devastating as it may not only destroy an abused person's ability to trust, making intimate human relationships difficult, but it may also prevent trust or belief in the word of God as it is presented through preachers or church leaders.

It may also be difficult for some people to understand or believe that such an imbalance of power can exist in this enlightened or permissive age, perhaps confusing knowledge with emotional maturity. My own experience might help readers to understand how abuse of trust can happen even to an apparently competent and articulate young Christian.

I became a Christian at the start of my nursing training and lost touch with my old school friends. At the end of training my group of friends separated and we went our different ways. When I started work as a midwife I was quite lonely and felt drawn back to the town where I had kept in contact and had on a few occasions stayed with a very hospitable Christian family. The father was in full-time Christian work having returned from the mission field for the sake of their children's education. I worked odd hours in a small unit and was very isolated although I loved my work. I became more and more part of the family and called the parents ”mum” and ”dad” as that is how they referred to each other. They were my ideal Christians and I fitted in with their form of worship etc. in order, in some areas, to please rather than from a sense of inner conviction.

As a child I was also rather separate from my undemonstrative father who I had not known until I was nearly four years old as he was abroad during the war. I had, through those early years, learnt to please adults and keep them free of anxiety, although I did not realise this until quite recently. So, for various reasons as a child and as a teenager I felt awkward and quite insecure. I was also quite naive and confused regarding sexual relationships. At home sex was not discussed and my parents were not very demonstrative towards each other. My father, who was an amateur artist, painted clothed and unclothed portraits and we had quite seductive nudes hanging on the lounge and dining room walls. So I got the message that nudity was in theory acceptable, although separate from the reality I witnessed. As a nurse and later a midwife, nudity was of course part of daily existence but I had never experienced a close relationship and was in fact very shy about my own body. My early Christian teaching was that sex outside of marriage was taboo and so in my mind sexual intercourse remained as a rather functional activity within marriage and was therefore not an issue until such time as that might come about.

The onset of the abuse was so, so gradual. He had offered to teach me to drive - my own father would not let anyone else drive his car. It was suggested that I should drive him to preaching engagements - I was not receiving much teaching or fellowship because of shift work - it would be good for me to get some good Christian teaching. I drove there but he insisted on driving home. When he started to pull off the road on our return journey I could not believe what my feelings were saying. I dismissed them as ludicrous and fanciful. I must be imagining that his hand on my knee and the arm around my shoulder was anything more than just friendliness. After all I reasoned, he was quite demonstrative with everyone. Anyway, in my own mind I knew myself to be pretty stupid and ignorant concerning relationships and how could it be possible for such a wonderful Christian to do anything wrong. So I said nothing and the touching increased until I was in no doubt about what was going on, but it was too late. I was trapped. I was unable to express my feelings because I did not recognise or understand them. I thought of ways of escape but how could I explain my cutting myself off from this family and anyway I needed them. I was in a state of utter confusion but at no time did I recognise that what was happening was abusive. I felt intense guilt and could not understand why I acted as an automaton doing and accepting whatever he did or requested me to do. I had an intense feeling that I should please him because I felt I owed him so much. He had, over the four years I had known him been very good to me. Sexual arousal is also pleasant and as a very new experience I rationalised that I must be enjoying it or else I would some how stop it.

I tried to tell him but no coherent words came out of my mouth, in fact my silence seemed to fill everything. He understood what I was trying to say and told me that nothing that good could be wrong. I was amazed and believed it must be my responsibility as I did know it was wrong. Every time it happened I would return home (digs) and sob into my bed as I prayed and pleaded with God to find a way out. But it continued every time we were together, at his home and mine, in the car and other places. Eventually his wife and I were walking home together from church and she challenged me about my familiar attitude towards her husband and I was able to blurt out that she should ask him about that.

So it came to an end but I watched that lady, who had been a mother to me, sob and struggle with her distress as she tried to come to terms with her husband's infidelity. She blamed me and I was sent from the house in disgrace with the belongings I had accumulated there along with a huge load of guilt, despair and self-loathing. At church I was asked if she was unwell, but no one asked why I no longer visited the house or sat with them in church. I believed God forgave me and I put it behind me unaware of the damage I carried with me. I married a couple of years later and never talked about the matter again and I did not recognise the relationship as abusive for another thirty years.

I feel sad about the consequences of the abuse, which affected both my choice of husband and my relationship to him. However, I have now, through counselling, private reading, prayer and my husband's acceptance of what had happened, been able to work through many of the difficulties resultant of the abuse and the circumstances of my childhood which made me so vulnerable to that abuse. I feel too that I have now reached a point of forgiveness toward my abuser. For me, the effects of the abuse included a deep sense of badness which was fuelled by a suppressed but seething anger. This led to bouts of depression, a need to be in control and a fear of allowing anyone to get emotionally too close to me. I still find it very difficult to respect church leaders especially if they tell me what I should believe, and other things, such as a sense of cover-up, still press buttons for me, causing anxiety or anger. The good news is that I now recognise these triggers and can deal with them. I also now fully enjoy my relationship with my husband and I am aware too that our relationship may not have come about if the circumstances of my life had been different. That is quite an interesting thought.

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