An account of helping children to cope better with "loss" situations.

Introduction

“Loss” situations for children can be many and varied, ranging from disrupted relationships through death, illness, divorce, separation, adoption or some other “legal” intervention. The effects for the individual child can be minimised or compounded by adult carers, who may in turn have their own individual needs.

“Loss” - some practical examples

Death

For children of all ages, relationships with meaningful adults/family members including children can end suddenly or following a prolonged illness, by death.

Family Breakdown

Parents separate or divorce, or children need protection/support through the intervention of Social Services and placement with foster carers/other care givers, ie residential children's homes.

Adoption

Plans are made for children of all ages to be permanently placed and cared for in a new family situation. This will involve “separation” from birth parents, and possibly siblings and extended family, and loss of identity.

Ill-Health/Disability

A child may suffer from ill health or the effects of a disability which can inhibit their opportunities to achieve the full range of activities as their peers. Equally, a child can be affected if a care giver has ill health/disability.

Other losses can be experienced by children because of the effects of economic factors such as unemployment and low income, poor housing and general social deprivation.

Grief - the response to loss

The way in which a child "responds" to a loss situation can vary greatly. There can be accompanying physical, psychological, social, intellectual or spiritual responses too. A number of characteristics can normally be identified:

Denial

The immediate rejection of "bad news". This can be a very important part of the early grieving response, for psychologically it enables the emotions to be protected from what would be overwhelming.

Emotional Anguish

When the effects of denial diminish, a child can begin to experience the emotional pain of their loss. Often, this is expressed as anger and may be directed towards:

the source of pain (ie person or death, divorce) the object lost other everyday situations that feel difficult to cope with (ie house moves, exams) others unconnected loss

Anger is a normal emotion and children need support at this time.

At the same time, a child may experience guilt. Fact and fantasy may become confused, with a child feeling, for example, that if they had helped an adult more they would not have become ill. A child's guilt can be compounded if a grieving adult projects their own anger onto a child, eg "Daddy might not have left if you hadn't been a naughty boy".

Other grief reactions during this phase can be: anxiety, dismay, longing, shame, vivid or obsessional memories.

Partial adjustment

This is the time when a child is beginning to show signs that they are accepting of a loss. Yet, it can be a difficult time to understand for a child's emotional state can vary from day to day. For example, there may be evidence of settling with a new home environment accompanied by “outbursts” from a child.

Acceptance

This is the stage when the loss is incorporated into the present life situation. The memories of what has happened remain but they and the pain of the loss no longer dominate all life experience.

There is no standard time scale in which these processes of grief are achieved. Each child responds in an individual way and painful memories can be triggered by events such as birthdays, holidays, etc. Sometimes a child may regress to a previous stage without apparent reason and then move forward again. It is like taking “three steps forward and two steps back”.

Helping the Child

The way in which a child is helped effectively to cope with a loss situation can vary according to the circumstances and the child's age and understanding.

In most circumstances though it is important to be honest with the child. The degree of detail that is used though may need to vary according to the child's age and understanding and the circumstances that are to be shared. Normally, when a child is fostered or placed for adoption, social workers have spent time in preparing the child, sometimes with life story work.

Where someone has died in tragic circumstances, or when a child is suffering from a terminal illness, an honest or simple approach should be adopted. If a child asks questions, these should be simply answered. Care must be taken in giving information, it should be clear and unambiguous, ie a grandparent's death is not accurately explained by “granny has gone away”. A child who recalls the grandparent going away on holiday will see no need for an emotional response.

Talking and/or playing with a child can assist in helping the child distinguish between fact and fantasy. They can be helped, for example, in understanding that a parent or sibling's death was not their fault, although they might at some time wish they were dead, or it was not their fault that mummy left.

In talking with the child, it can be helpful if the child is encouraged to share how he/she would like things to be. A child, for example, may be showing evidence of settling into a new home environment, but they might still be “struggling” emotionally.

Equally, a child through talking, playing or drawing might be helped in sharing their feelings/fears. If a parent has died because of an illness the child might ask “Will I die like mummy or daddy? Will I catch their illness?” Children with chronic illnesses or disabilities, if able, might also need someone with whom they can share.

Things to avoid

As previously mentioned, it is better to avoid making up stories to explain a situation.

Delaying or not sharing truthfully with the child - they might find out from another source.

Whilst the loss may be one that you are sharing with the child, ie your parent, their grandparent, you are probably both feeling and experiencing the pain of grief. Try to avoid projecting any feelings, particularly those of anger, on to the child.

Denying that children experience grief and saying things like,

“They get over things quickly”,

“Children soon forget” - and

"BIG BOYS DON'T CRY”.

Helpful Books/Further Reading

Working with Young People in Loss Situations - Linda Machin (Longman)

Living with Grief in School - Ann Chadwick (Family Reading Centre) Available from PCCA

Attachment & Loss - John Bowlby (Penguin)

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