Copyright © 2005 All rights reserved. [Churches Child Protection Advisory Service]
How to respond if a child or young person tells you they are being abused.
Vicky, a thirteen year old girl for whom you are caring, asks to talk to you late one evening.
You look at her face, pale with anxiety and something stops you from saying. "Could it wait till tomorrow?" By now Vicky's doubled over, sobbing and you notice some scratches on her arm.
"What' s the matter, Vicky? Is someone hurting you?" Hastily she covers her arm but does hesitantly begin to talk. You're tempted to ask questions to help her but realise she'd probably clam up. What's more, you don't know what happened, you might put things into her mind that weren't there, so you content yourself with an "Uh, huh", "Um", and gently checking out her story.
"It's me step-day, well, he's not really my step-dad, more like me mum's boyfriend..." "Um" "He's hateful!" "Hateful?" "He' s disgusting. It makes me feel sick what he's been doing and she think he' s wonderful!" "Your mum thinks he's great, but he makes you feel ill". "Yeah. He's always been a bit too handy with me and my sister, but last night, when I went to visit them.." (sobs) "Something happened last night?" "Me mum had just popped out to see gran and he dragged me into their bedroom. He shut the door and the look on his face was horrible. He pushed me down on the bed and then he hurt me inside. I tried to scream but my sister was watching TV and she never heard a thing. I wanted to tell mum but she wouldn't believe me. He said so. He said he'd kill me if I said anything, but I can. t keep it a secret any more," weeps Vicky.
Well, what you've done so far is great. You've accepted what Vicky' s told you. You've not panicked or bombarded her with questions, you've just been there for her. You can' t promise to keep this a secret, something needs to be done. On the face of it, a young person has had a very serious crime committed against her, after all. This is too big a problem for Vicky and she doesn't want it to happen again, that's why she's told you, her carer.
The Churches' Child Protection Advisory Service, a project of PCCA Christian Child Care, is used to hearing this kind of story. We would recommend that you say to Vicky, "Look I m going to talk to someone about this, but I'll let you know what's happening, who I'm talking to and what I'm saying."
In this way Vicky begins to build up some control in a situation that has gone seriously wrong. When a young person has been abused, they have control taken away from them by the abuser who is probably older, stronger, more important than them.
That will depend on your role. A foster carer would need to inform their social worker of what Vicky has told them. A church/youth worker would approach things from a different angle.
Churches are now beginning to see the need to have a policy on protecting the children and young people who attend their activities. Hopefully, there will be someone in your church who has responsibility for dealing with matters of abuse -this is what most denominations now recommend. It might be your minister or youth pastor. You need to talk to them about Vicky - and as quickly as possible. The only exception would be if Vicky had made an allegation against them. Your church policy should tell you who else you should contact in such a case. You might ring CCPAS on 01322 667207 or our helpline on 013222 660011 for advice.
What next?Write some notes of your chat with Vicky - what she said to you and what you said to her. It would be helpful to record the circumstances (eg what led to the conversation taking place) in which she spoke to you. Sometimes a group activity or discussion will be the catalyst. Date, time (when she talked to you and when you wrote the notes) and sign your notes, keeping them in a safe place.
If you are a church leader, now is the time to be talking with Social Services. If it's after office hours, there should be an emergency duty social worker who can be contacted. Hopefully your church will have a list of emergency numbers but, if not, or you can't contact a social worker, ring the police and ask to speak to one of their child protection officers. In the daytime ask to speak to the Child Protection Team Leader and say you'd like to see him/her urgently. Don't let Vicky go home before you've talked to the social worker. Home doesn't sound a very safe place for Vicky to be right now. Many other cases will not raise concerns as serious as these and you will be able to contact the social worker in normal office hours. A foster carer would obviously not let Vicky visit home until/unless OK'd by Social Services.
There are some occasions when it would be more helpful to contact the police, rather than Social Services. For instance, if Vicky led you to believe that, in the last few hours, her mum's boyfriend had had intercourse with her, then a police surgeon might be able to find forensic evidence (the presence of semen) which could prove that he alone was the perpetrator. This could well lead to a prosecution and Vicky (and possibly others) would be protected from further abuse.
The role of social services and the police
The Child Protection Team at Social Services will liaise with their opposite numbers in the police (or vice versa if you contact the police first) and will begin to make enquiries. If Vicky needed somewhere to stay in the meantime, a social worker could arrange that and obviously Vicky's mum would need to know why she's not coming home. It could be that the boyfriend would be arrested and taken to the police station for questioning. In the United Kingdom, the police or social workers can initiate action in order to remove a child or young person from a dangerous situation.
However, generally detailed behind-the-scenes enquiries will first be made with social workers talking to other professionals like school teachers, doctors etc. A child protection case conference will normally then be held and it could be that you attend as Vicky's friend, to offer her support. She will certainly need all your support in the months ahead. Even if the boyfriend doesn't end up being sent to prison (and he could be if found guilty), Vicky will need help to handle her feelings. It may be that Social Services will recommend that she has some counselling later.
Being an adolescent can be grim, can't it? Do you remember - your body is changing, you have strange feelings, you want to be grown up but sometimes you feel it would be better to be little again. When something like what happened to Vicky occurs, the young person may well feel angry about the abuser (they've every right to) but often the anger is directed against themselves. "How stupid can I get? Fancy not seeing that he'd do that! I'm disgusting. How can anyone ever love me? I'm not a virgin now? Ugh! I might as well kill myself."
Extreme reactions? Very common reactions from a young person who feels dirty, used and bad. Remember those scratches on Vicky's arm? They might be the result of a struggle with her abuser, but there could no another explanation. We have seen young women (but it could be boys or young men too) who have many scars which are the result of cutting themselves. They might be "punishing" themselves, maybe they feel "better" for doing it.
Abuse can be physical, sexual or emotional, and it also includes neglect. It can range from being verbally abusive - "You're no good! You're stupid" etc, to not taking care of a child or young person's needs for safety, shelter, food and love. It could be beating someone or making them watch pornographic videos through to touching someone where they don't want to be touched or more serious sexual assaults. Some things may seem very minor to you but to the young person they feel bad - that's abuse. Abuse can happen to people of any age - even babies are physically and sexually abused. Sometimes it's not until many years later that a person - male or female - feels able to talk about it.
The bible talks, in Ephesians 5 v 11, of exposing the fruitless deeds of darkness. We mustn't cover up sin. There may be, however, different ways of handling different kinds of abuse. For instance, if Steve aged 12 tells you that he's worried about his dad, a lone parent, leaving Steve to look after Jerry, aged 4, while dad does a night shift, it might be possible to have a chat with dad and explain your concerns. Don't go empty-handed, though; discuss with your minister what support the church can offer dad. Only if dad won't do anything about his lack of care for the children, would you feel that you needed to talk to Social Services. You may feel that Sarah and Penny, who are in your youth group, are ostracised by the others because they smell, always wear the same clothes and look pale and ill. Maybe the parents are having a really tough time financially, dad's depressed at being unemployed and mum's at the end of her tether. What this family need is some tender, loving care. Maybe they need help from Social Services or the doctor. You could offer to go with them and give moral support while you find out what assistance is available.
Some young people have been hurt so badly that they will need medical assistance. Abuse has other effects on people - emotionally and spiritually, they have been damaged and skilled help may be necessary to work through the pain, anger and confusion. It will help enormously if there are people who can give loving, caring and Christian support.
Some workers may go on to learn counselling skills which again might be extremely valuable. Don't be afraid to refer a young person for help if you feel you're out of your depth. There's no shame in that -we each have our own areas of expertise! It may well not be appropriate for foster carers to counsel children/young people for whom they are caring.
Maybe you worry that social workers and counsellors who will be working with the young person are not Christians. Social Services in Britain are required by law to be sensitive and to work within the framework of a young person's spiritual, cultural and ethnic background. It will also be helpful if the young person knows they can come and talk with you about the spiritual side of things. In any event, they will need to be aware of your continued support and care through a very difficult time ahead. Why not approach the social worker, with the young person's permission, to see how you can work together?
Some Christians have made the mistake of trying to rush the abused person into forgiveness. The bible makes it clear that we should forgive those who sin against us. However, it cannot be rushed and may be achieved in stages. In counselling, survivors of abuse realise that they cannot truly forgive until they know the full effects of that abuse. Forgiveness will probably be an act of the will first, but by God's grace, it can become a reality, thus freeing the victim and also releasing the abuser into God's hands.
Perhaps you are involved with a young person who confesses that they have, in the past, or are abusing others now. These young people really do need skilled help -make sure you get it for them. The first step may be for them to see a doctor or talk to the police. Social workers can arrange an intensive programme to help young abusers. They may face criminal proceedings and will need ongoing pastoral care, but there is hope for those who acknowledge their sin, ask forgiveness of God and their victim and determine to turn away from any further temptation. They should be encouraged to work for God in areas which do not include direct contact with children, young people and vulnerable adults.
One of the big problems that victims of abuse talk about is their poor self-image, their shame. They need to realise that God loves them just as they are, no matter what. When that fact begins to be accepted by them, then their own confidence and self-worth will improve.
Another frequent issue is that people often find it impossible to think of "Father" God. That is because "father' means someone who hurts them, fills them with fear, abuses a position of power or used them sexually in a way which should be between husband and wife, not father and son/daughter. This spiritual abuse may take a while to recover from - but God is patient!
Young people often worry about the abuse affecting future relationships, and it can be at this point that they decide to seek help. They may require advice on what is "OK' within the sexual side of marriage. They may need reassurance that although their partner is of the same sex as their abuser, that doesn't mean he/she will abuse them too.
Some young people may have problems of sexual identity. They might not want to trust themselves to someone of the opposite sex because that person hurt them so badly.
'Why didn't I say no?" is a frequently heard question. 'I even enjoyed it sometimes - that must make me a disgusting person". Those young people need to be reminded that as children they have been introduced into sexual activities entirely inappropriate to their age. Their sexual beings have been aroused and that is so unfair because emotionally they can't cope with it. They are not to blame for what the abuser did to them. In Song of Songs Ch 8 v 4 it says, "Do not awaken love until it so desires". God did not intend us to be sexually active at this time in our lives.
It is not helpful if we have in mind a stereotype picture of an abuser. We are often asked for a description of such a person. Our reply often shocks! "Someone like you...... or me." In other words, people who sexually abuse children appear to be quite ordinary and, sadly, some will have names like daddy, mummy, auntie, uncle, babysitter, children's worker, youth leader, teacher or pastor. -
You must be prepared to think the unthinkable - however unlikely the story sounds. Always keep an open mind; what you have heard will probably be the tip of the iceberg and may not be the total picture. For example, a young person may describe abuse by another young person when, in reality, the abuser is an adult close to them. They might also describe their "friend's" problem, when really it is their own! At this stage you should accept what someone is saying at face value, don't question them or dismiss what they are saying. It is the job of the child protection authorities to be asking the questions.
So, men and women, boys and girls can abuse, both physically and sexually, children, young people and vulnerable adults - those with physical or other special needs. If a child is abusing a younger child, then it may well be because they, themselves, have been abused. If that child or young person does not receive skilled help early, they may continue to abuse all their life, because sexual abuse can be an addictive behaviour. However, just because you've been abused, it does not mean you will grow up to be an abuser - some do, most don't.
An important reason for dealing with behaviour such as this from a child/young person by informing the authorities, is so that investigations can be carried out. Who might need help to deal with past abuse? The same is true of an adult who abuses children. He or she is sinning against God and committing serious crimes for which they need to be held accountable. Even if a perpetrator is repentant (but most offenders remain in denial) as a first step, he or she needs to take responsibility for what they have done. Some abusers are committed to a life of abuse and will work with others in "grooming" children for what they will do. This is, of course, typical of paedophiles.
The question you ask yourself is why would a young person choose to tell you such an horrendous story if there was no basis of truth? The distress, the pain, the shame that people show is hardly something that most would choose to go through.
It must be remembered that most allegations of this nature are denied and are often difficult to prove one way or another. Even when a young person subsequently withdraws the allegations, it does not mean to say that it didn't really happen - in the face of denial and disbelief the price of telling the truth is just too much to pay.
In a few cases there have been concerns about the accuracy of recovered memories arising during counselling and use of a word of knowledge. Pastoral care is required over the exercise of spiritual gifts, and those exercising them should take account of the likely effect on the person concerned. Abuse of such gifts can have the effect of a person owning an experience which has no foundation in truth, and as a consequence making a false allegation against someone else.
Like some victims of any other kinds of trauma, survivors of child sexual abuse may try to avoid remembering what happened, and it is possible for details to be forgotten and the memory triggered by a subsequent event or during counselling. Distressed people are in a vulnerable state and may be susceptible to suggestion. You must be very careful, therefore, never to impose your own conclusions on someone, even if you suspect that child sexual abuse may have occurred.
A minority of disturbed/damaged young people may make malicious accusations. A careful log should be maintained if a young person makes frequent throwaway comments, possibly about several different people - workers or others. It can be very distressing if false allegations are made against carers. They may face having children removed from their care and may never be able to have children placed with them again. This is so hard but may be the only option open to local authorities.
Above all, in a church situation make sure you discuss concerns about particular young people as a staff group and that you ensure safe working practice generally, and in relation to this young person in particular. For example, you may say that in an individual case some workers should not be involved with a young person.
Have a child-protection policy (and CCPAS can help you with that) which ensures that workers are thoroughly checked out before being appointed. Have safe practices in activities -ensure that there are enough workers to supervise. Discuss the subject of "touch" and decide how everyone puts this into operation. Don't allow people who have been violent or sexually abusive to work with children and young people. It's not fair to place them in an area where they might be tempted -however reformed they may appear to be. They would also be very vulnerable if false allegations were made against them. It's not fair on the children either!
Find out as much as you can about the child or young person's background so that you are forewarned of any danger areas. Make sure that any touching takes into account the possibility that it could be confusing or distressing. Read Catherine Macaskill's book Adopting or Fostering a Sexually Abused (available from CCPAS). Remember your own children's needs to develop personal safety skills.
If the statistics are anything to go by, many children, young people and adults in our churches and communities have experienced abuse. Is our church the sort of place where people can be helped to acknowledge the damage done to them and find the ingredients necessary for healing to take place? There needs to be a sensitivity of others, encouragement, acceptance, hope and, above all, God's love in action through His people.
We go around the country leading seminars on this subject and find people, including leaders and carers, who are desperately trying to help the abused, but are still struggling with issues from their own past. It is important to receive healing in one's own experience if we are to effectively minister to young people and others we serve.
Written by David and Pauline Pearson
