Shock! Disbelief! Anger! Pain!

Four words that may sum up how a parent feels when they discover that their child has been abused. Add to these words "betrayal" if they realise that it's someone very close to them like a husband/ wife/grandparent and the situation becomes overwhelming. Who can they talk to about it? Has their child been damaged? Where's the abuser? Wait till I get my hands on him/her! Alternatively they may say, "I just can't believe they would do such a thing. It must be someone else. Perhaps my child is muddled, lying, mentally ill, attention-seeking?"

Before you can help the child effectively, you will need to be aware of what is going on inside yourself. Your child needs help. He/she needs to know they can come to you whenever they want to talk about what happened and that you will listen. Like "Alice" in the article "Secrets", they may tell you bits of the story until the picture emerges. How do you cope with hearing such stuff?

There can be strong feelings of shame - how could this happen in my family? I couldn't bear it if people found out. How can I explain to my minister? Do I need to talk to a police officer or a social worker? Why should they be involved anyway? Hasn't my child suffered enough? How could I have let this happen? I should have known.

You do need people that you can trust to give you support at this nightmare time. People will often phone or write to us at Churches' Child Protection Advisory Service because we don't know them. We will listen, advise and pray where appropriate but parents need pastoral care too. They don't need condemnation, judgement or an hour's bible study! They do need to have someone who can walk along with them on a rocky, painful path, accompanying them where necessary to meetings with police and social workers etc.

Sometimes parents, seeing the effect that abuse has had on their child, will say, "Can't they have counselling?" There will be times when a social worker says, "No, not yet," because a court case may be looming. A counsellor has to be very aware of the pitfalls regarding working with children in these circumstances. Often therapy or counselling will have to wait a few months.

So how do you (the parent) or you (children's/youth worker) cope with this angry, withdrawn, depressed, frightened child in the meantime? With difficulty, perhaps! I believe it is right to pray, seeking God's wisdom in each situation. I believe we should be people that a child can begin to trust because we don't turn away from them or minimise the confusion and pain they are feeling. We don't give "pat answers" put yourself in their place. Don't be like Sybil in "Fawlty Towers", always saying, "I know, oh I know!"

Children need to know we care about them, that we will pray with them and for them, that we will allow them to express the feelings that are boiling up. Then we may need to talk to someone ourselves. It's a good biblical principle to bear each other's burdens.

There may be some practical issues we have to address. Supposing the abuser comes to your church too? Suppose it's one of the other children in your child's group? We need to think of the effect that might have on your child. Once an offender has been interviewed by the authorities, you might need to ask him/her not to attend the group. S/he might have to go to church meetings not attended by your child or even be transferred to another church with the leadership of that church being informed of the reasons.

Sometimes investigations are dropped because of lack of evidence. It may seem to the child that they were not believed and that the authorities, and perhaps the church, would rather accept the adult's word. You also need to consider the effects on your child if they were to meet the person against whom allegations were made. You will need to help your child develop personal safety skills to prevent further abuse. (See article on 'Keeping Children Safe' on the subject).

There are no easy solutions to pain except I know that my God is the great healer. He can use us in many situations to bring that wholeness into hurting children's lives. Sometimes they will need specialist help, too but they still need our care, offered in the name of Jesus.

Some useful further reading to suit all pockets!

Why my child? Michele Elliott (Kidscape)
Keep them safe (Kidscape)

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