Most children who are abused are hurt by someone within a close circle of friends or acquaintances - parents, babysitters, relatives, carers, neighbours, workers with children, other children, etc. Yet we know from the many hundreds of seminars we have conducted around churches over the past ten years that whereas practically all who attend were taught as children to be wary of strangers and have been teaching the same principles to their own children, less than 1% are addressing the real issue of helping children protect themselves from anyone, including those they know well.

As the Churches' Child Protection Advisory Service we hear every day several accounts of child sexual abuse; many regarding allegations of abuse within the church or children's organisations. Ensuring the safety and well-being of children is a vital priority for churches children's organisations and carers. Following publication of the government's 'Safe from Harm' in 1993, denominations have been issuing their own child protection policies and have become generally more conscious of the need for more careful recruitment, supervision and support of workers and for developing safe practice for direct work with children. However, so often we neglect helping parents and carers to help children develop personal safety skills. How can we enable children to develop these skills without frightening them or abusing children by exposure to information which is age-inappropriate?

TAKING SAFETY SERIOUSLY

Most children will not be victims of serious domestic or road traffic accidents. However, we take homesafety and road-safety teaching very seriously, otherwise the consequences could prove fatal. Thankfully, many children will not be abused, but some will become victims.

There are adults, both men and women, whose wish to gratify their desires by sexually abusing children is so strong that no power on earth will stop them. I believe, though, that teaching prevention strategies will protect many from abuse and limit the damage for others by bringing situations to light much sooner.

Some children will be at special risk. They include those who have suffered past abuse - experience shows that they are vulnerable to re-abuse. Children with disabilities are also more likely to experience sexual abuse as they are relatively more powerless, are dependent upon adults, and some are disadvantaged because of communication barriers.

Children can be helped to avoid dangerous circumstances, resist inappropriate touching, refuse to keep secrets and to seek adult help when needed. This can have the effect of boosting a child's self-confidence and need not be any more frightening than helping children to keep safe on the roads.

WHEN TO START

As shocking as it is, even babies have been sexually abused. Studies show that much abuse begins when children are under five years of age. As children learn self-care, about washing hair and brushing teeth, etc they can be taught about their bodies being special and belonging to them. In this context, it is also possible to help children say the kinds of touches they like and don't like - what is yucky and what's OK.

It is important to support a child's right to limit adults' behaviour, which might mean, for example, asking someone not to tickle or kiss the child on the lips as s/he doesn't like it, or helping the child find the right words. Supporting children in making these simple choices where non-abusive behaviour is involved will help them resist assault.

There needs to be a balance when talking to young children about their personal safety; making them aware of dangers without destroying their trust in adults. Some also fear that teaching children to say "No" to adults might encourage disobedience. Children need to feel secure in the care of adults and to understand that most adults will not make wrong demands upon them. However, sometimes even nice people can do wrong things.

Sometimes as Christians we can make it difficult for children when we teach, 'Children, obey your parents'. What does this mean to a young person who is being abused and being told not to tell? We train church workers attending our seminars around the country to say something like 'The Bibles teaches, "Children obey your parents" and children have to do what parents and grown-ups, like teachers, say. But if a grown-up tells you to do something which makes you feel uncomfortable or you think is wrong, then you can always check it out with another grown-up'. We suggest giving practical examples like a child being asked to steal sweets from a shop - this is not about bedtimes! In this way you can help children identify safe adults they could speak to. By adopting such tactics you are helping children find a way out if they are suffering abuse, without undermining their trust in any particular adults or suggesting anything like sexual abuse.

HELPFUL TIPS

You might find it helpful to consider the following guidelines and prevention tactics for children at different stages of development:

Self esteem

Children who feel good about themselves and have a positive selfimage will be more confident and will be more able to resist inappropriate advances.

Make sure you encourage your child and give positive feedback wherever possible.

Consider how opportunities can be increased for children to be involved in age-appropriate choices in everyday life.

Help children to understand the rights they enjoy and the responsibilities they have to others. For example, a right not to be hurt and a responsibility to value and not hurt others.

Secrets and surprises

You can help children make a list of surprises and unsafe secrets. Surprises like birthdays and Christmas are fun. Children should never keep secret things which are about someone being hurt or something they don't understand, no matter who asks them. Unless it's something which is fun, which everyone knows about later, then always tell mummy or daddy or another grown-up. Touching children on areas of the body covered by underwear or hugs and kisses should never be kept secret. Ask children who they would tell if they had an unsafe secret. Encourage them to make lists of safe grown-ups to whom they could talk if they were ever worried about anything.

Our bodies

Help children understand we own and have a responsibility for our own bodies.

We are all very valuable to God but we are all different in looks, size, shape, colour and what we can do.

Some parts of our bodies are private - mouth and the bits covered by our swimming costumes (breasts, buttocks, anus and genitals). Mouth has been included because some children are abused through oral sex. You can help children understand that their mouth is for food - and for the toothbrush! It's OK, too, for medicine and the doctor and dentist can look in your mouth. Don't let anyone else put anything into your mouth.

Help children understand the difference between what is private and public. It is alright to touch your own private parts when you are in the bathroom or the bedroom.

Taking account of a child's age and understanding, teach children the proper names of the body parts.

Emphasise that the child is the boss of their private places - doctors and nurses might need to examine you, but a parent will be there too.

No-one is allowed to look at your private places just for fun or to tickle you.

Children with disabilities will have special needs, but the boundaries apply to them too and they will need help in establishing the limits of personal care.

Being assertive

Explain to your child that no-one should touch them in a way that frightens or confuses them - they have the right to say no - whoever it is. If other children break the rules, say "No" and tell an adult.

No-one has the right to lift up your dress or put their hands down your trousers - say "No"

Help your child to practise saying "No", perhaps in relation to everyday things of life - say, when a friend wants to borrow some money.

"No" might need to be repeated. Children might need to run away and go to a safe adult. In the States, children are encourage to say "No! Go! Yell! Tell!"

Feelings

Encourage children to express feelings about everyday things.

Help children to talk about their good feelings and their bad feelings.

Look at what children can do to stop bad feelings.

Sometimes a "feeling box" can be used with children of different ages as a game, helping children to talk about touches which feel positive and others which are "yucky".

Children can talk to grown-ups about good feelings and "yucky" feelings.

If you feel scared, angry, upset or confused, then you can talk to a grownup

Touching

Touching is an essential part of life and necessary for basic care, showing love and reassurance, for praise, communication, etc.

Some touching is wrong if it hurts, is scary, makes you feel uncomfortable or is rude.

Children should only get good touches.

Consider playing a "What if..." game. Give examples of safe touches which people are enjoying or ones which made children uncomfortable or are rude.

Emphasise again that children can say "No" and that you should never keep secrets about touching.

Explain the limits to some behaviour - for example, tickling is not allowed under our clothes. Younger children or those with a disability will need help with personal hygiene, but private parts should not be tickled or touched for fun.

Most touches are good touches which we all like. Sometimes good touches change and become bad touches. Good hugs are great, but what if someone wants to give you a tight bearhug and you don't like it. What can you do?

OTHER MATTERS - BRIEFLY

There are other very specific areas which also need our attention. We must always be careful with language and ensure that it is appropriate, taking into account a child's understanding and background. Avoid scare tactics.

Make sure you cultivate your relationship with your child so that they feel loved and wanted and important. Physical contact, hugging our children, kissing them hello, goodbye and goodnight.

Take care in choosing a babysitter and ensure that you establish the ground rules. You can repeat the rules in front of the child, along the lines of 'Samuel is ready for bed and has had his bath. He needs to be in bed by 7.00 o'clock'. This minimises the possibility of abuse or manipulation of the babysitter. If your child is unhappy about a particular person then don't hesitate to change the babysitter.

Don't forget to also teach children the more practical things like safe practice in using the telephone, answering the door and playing outside etc. Think safe and act safe. Above all, as Christians, once we have done our bit we can commit our children to God in prayer.

Think safe and act safe. Above all, as Christians, once we have done our bit we can commit our children to God in prayer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Click here to return to the Articles menu.