This is my fourth attempt at typing this article into the computer. Just like so many of her human counterparts, the computer has buckled under constant pressure and misuse. So far Betsie has been for repair three times in one week! Living, as she does, in a large household means that a lot of people do horrible things to her, often quite unwittingly and why? Well we just don't really understand how Betsie works or what she needs. Were we sympathetic when she did finally breakdown? No, we were annoyed and cross that she was making our lives difficult. Fortunately, computers are easily fixed, unlike people, who can present a much bigger challenge!

Recently I have been in contact with situations where children (and some are adult children) are seemingly creating chaos. Why can't they just settle down and get on with life? Why do they seem to lurch from one disaster to another?

Circumstances have varied and although the children have ranged from natural children, to step children and adopted children, there has been a common thread - all have experienced deep feelings of rejection and have difficulties in making and maintaining "normal" loving relationships. It seems that their life experiences have resulted in an inability to trust and so they are unable to comfortably attach and bond. Defence mechanisms, coming into play in order to protect from further anguish, make it extremely difficult, if not impossible for significant others to touch their inner core. The loneliness of their existence increases the original feelings of alienation and their unhappiness often manifests in difficult behaviours that are almost impossible to live with, for both the family and the sufferer.

Kate would like me to tell you her story and because I feel it gives us an insight into the world of the wounded child, I would like to share it with you.

Kate is around thirty years of age, has a demanding job in the public sector, and presents as a bright, bubbly, energetic and sociable young woman. Inside Kate feels she is a mass of unendurable pain. Keeping up her "front" takes immense energy and Kate feels she has almost run out of steam and can't go on for much longer.

Apparently Kate was born to two medical students whom, she feels, chose their careers and discarded her. There may have been an extended stay in hospital as Kate has been told that she had something wrong with her throat. Certainly, to this day, Kate experiences feelings of panic if food is delayed. Kate was placed with a foster mum to whom she probably became attached, certainly it seems her foster carer became attached to her. Kate's adoptive mum told Kate that she cried bitterly when the time came for her to relinquish her foster baby.

Kate was five months old when placed with her adoptive family. If we add to her age her nine months in utero, then it is likely that Kate had lived with feeling unloved and unsafe for at least a year. After all, the womb was Kate's first home and research now indicates that the foetus can see, hear, experience, taste and FEEL. Little wonder then that she has experienced difficulty in feeling "at home" ever since.

In her journal Kate recounts:

"I had the best parents anyone could ever wish or hope for. All my friends thought I was so lucky to have parents like mine. Even if they did believe in God, they were just so normal. Going back over the years I could never understand why I never felt I loved anyone. I always knew I loved them, but could not feel it. I do love them so much. I just wish I could hug them. (In common with many other rejection sufferers, Kate experiences love as painful. A hug hurts.) I wish I could say how much I love them, but I can't. Idon't know why."

Kate does not remember much of her childhood. She knows she was a tomboy and thinks she appeared "happy go lucky". Kate does recollect, though, that she hated being hugged, even then. John was a family friend and a youth leader in her church.

"He knew I hated being hugged but would grab me and do it anyway."

One of John's sons was a friend of Kate and she remembers spending a lot of time at their home. Kate writes:

"He (John) came to dominate my life for years and years. He was someone I thought was everything in one person a friend, a father figure. I used to ask myself, "What makes him
so special? Why does he make me feel so special? Why does he make me feel so loved and secure? " I used to dream he was my real father. "Why else would I feel like this with him? Why was I so close to him? Why did I feel I could talk about anything and he'd understand?" It could only be because we were related. The bond I had with him and felt for no one else, had to be because he was my natural father. I wouldn't have it (the bond) otherwise, I reasoned.

From such an early age I stopped being free. I didn't know how to love anyone else. Growing up I never could understand why he always wanted me to go places, or sit in the front of his vehicle with him or just spend time with him. It was confusing. It wasn't normal. He was my dad's mate and had sons my age. The only answer had to be; he was really my dad. I was hooked.

He used to make me feel special. Looking back I can see there were many feelings and times that were not right. I can recall feelings, weird feelings, like going round their house and feeling uneasy. Wondering what his wife would be like towards me and watching the two of them together and feeling something. I am not sure what but I know I should not have felt it. I never felt anything sexual towards him. Never. It's hard to explain what I felt. I knew I could not let go. I knew I loved this man so much, nothing was going to get in the way and nobody was going to stop me loving him.

When I was 19 (going on 15) I was going out with a really nice guy. John said he hated me being with him because I always looked so happy, it made him jealous. This played on my mind. I thought, "He really must like me, or he wouldn't say that." I started playing squash with him regularly and on my days off would accompany him on his rounds. I loved him and all I wanted to do was be with him, or so I thought. In fact he had taken over my life. I feared I would lose everything and then not be able to cope. (It seems that Kate's fear here is akin to the fear of abandonment and complete annihilation which experts tell us that babies can experience on separation from their mother. It seems that she feared history repeating itself and that, once again, she could be separated from the nurturing parent.)

"Looking back it was shit. What did he think he was doing to me. When I was older he'd ring me at work all the time. He'd become the major person in my life. I couldn't believe that this person had so much love for me.

He didn't love me. How could he have loved me. The "first time" is supposed to be special, isn't it, with someone you love? It happened in an empty house. I hated every minute of it. I said "no", but couldn't stop it from happening. I had no control. I thought this has to happen or I'll lose him. How could I lose him, he meant everything to me?

He took my virginity and immediately said he had to leave. I felt ashamed, guilty, cheap, dirty and used. It was so bad I cried for ages. This was my friend, he's known me since I was nine years old. He called it making love. I'd lost my virginity to someone I saw as a father figure. He did it again and again and I let him. I was so afraid of losing his love and just ended up more hurt every time. I was crying continuously. Lying to Mum and Dad. I was living a lie. I was a wreck mentally and physically. He used to say he loved me all the time. The lying bastard, he never loved me."

Eventually John and Kate were discovered. Kate says that following this John turned up saying he had left his family. Kate says she slammed the door in his face. Kate had wanted a father, not a lover. She had wanted to be part of his family, not break it up. Mum and Dad stood by Kate but, having lost what she then considered to be the love of her life, broken and ashamed, she was subjected to further abuse. It seems that her church family turned against her and she recalls vituperative phone calls and hate-filled letters. Kate says she was seen as the girl who had broken up a Christian marriage.

Kate sobs, "All I know is it started when I was young, when I was made to feel special." Ten years on, after a string of abusive relationships, Kate is still trying to pick up the pieces. Not surprisingly Kate is a very angry lady. "He always used to say I would hate him one day, even when I was a little girl. I used to wonder why he would say that. He must have known what would happen, even then. I really do hate him."

It is my feel that that Kate felt rejected in her mother's womb, experienced abandonment at birth and, it seems likely, interruption of the oral cycle (the bond and comfort Kate should have found in feeding). Having then started to attach to the mother figure of her foster carer Kate again went through the trauma of separation and loss on being handed over to her new parents. Kate, unable to trust the hostile world around her, could not feel "at home" with her loving adoptive family. This lack of bonding and feeling of rootlessness left her vulnerable.

Research shows that children in this position usually react in one of two ways. They may become very rebellious and the havoc created, as they act out their pain, reflects to some extent the chaos within. The other extreme is they are very acquiescent. They become "people pleasers" and create a false self in order to cover up the hurt and rage, which if acknowledged and given voice could, they fear, bring about further rejection and abandonment. Sadly, it seems to be a common scenario with adopted children that, on reaching adolescence, their parents find them impossible to live with and eviction occurs. It is as though the child, having become convinced that rejection will recur because of its deep seated belief that it is unlovable, has set about confirming its convictions.

Kate seems to have reacted by creating a fantasy world in which John was her real father and so, to him she gave her trust and love. Small wonder then the resulting catastrophic consequences when, forced to face the truth, she experienced betrayal, rejection and abandonment all over again. (Interestingly, even today, Kate thinks of tracing her real father but says she does not want to meet her mother. She feels that she should have aborted her rather than given her away.) In order to disprove her feelings of being worthless and expendable Kate has sought to find her identity in her achievements. Sadly, this has not worked either, and the now adult Kate feels she is left with nothing. She fears that in some way she is flawed and only fit to be used, abused and discarded.

Kate, bravely, continues to pursue her healing. In her pain she cries out to God (how hard it is for someone like Kate to trust the God she cannot see when human love has so let her down), recognising that his love has the power to seep into her innermost being and set her free. The words of Doug Horley's song expresses her longing:

I want to be out of my depth in your love
Feeling your arms so strong around me

Out of my depth in your love
Out of my depth in you.

Learning to let you lead
Putting my trust in you
Deeper into your arms
Surrounded by You.

Things I have held so tight
Made my security
Give me the strength I need
To simply let go.

Kate, your story helps us to empathise with you and some of the children in our care. Please continue to press on. Don't give up.

Church, we need to truly love, protect and care for those who seek shelter within our walls.

Father God, please help us.

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