Copyright © 2005 All rights reserved. [Churches Child Protection Advisory Service]
The secret of sexual abuse has been kept by so many for so long that we still have difficulty getting our heads around the idea that someone could actually do these things. One only has to read the paper or watch the news to see the unfolding horror of recent abuse or cases coming to court that relate to many years past.
What is or isn't sexual abuse?
As defined by “Working Together to Safeguard Children", TSO 1999.
“Sexual abuse involves forcing or enticing a child or young person to take part in sexual activities, whether or not the child is aware of what is happening. The activities may involve physical contact, including penetrative (eg rape or buggery) or non-penetrative acts. They may include non-contact activities, such as involving children in looking at, or in the production of, pornographic material or watching sexual activities, or encouraging children to behave in sexually inappropriate ways.” It also includes child prostitution.
Signs and symptoms
It would be impossible to say that some forms of abuse cause more trauma than others. Being touched sexually can affect one person, seemingly, as dramatically as another who has been raped. Both people have been abused! Some people seem to be experts at hiding away the pain they have suffered, whilst others have buried their hurts so deep that they cannot locate them easily.
Some of the indications of possible sexual abuse are:
In addition there may be physical signs:
Behavioural/emotional signs might be:
Of course there may be other reasons why a child or young person is behaving as they are so don't jump to conclusions. Think about it and then talk to your fellow workers or the person with child protection responsibility.
Who abuses?
People may still believe that strangers pose the greatest danger to children - that the old man in a dirty raincoat or the runner in jogging bottoms is the most likely suspect. Sadly the shocking truth is that most children are abused by people known to them already - relatives, friends and acquaintances.
Rebecca Newman, in her book, Releasing the Scream, tells of abuse by someone who was initially a stranger but who befriended her, her sister and their friends before abusing them. That is often the way a paedophile will operate. The NSPCC booklet Protecting children from sexual abuse in the community, gives much useful information and it explains how paedophiles target vulnerable children. F or example they may choose a child who is desperate for love and affection (maybe they are emotionally starved at home); who is isolated and insecure; who has a disability; who has already been abused (the normal barriers have been broken down and a child may feel they can't say no).
When I have been counselling adults who have been abused, often they will describe how they were “groomed” by their abuser. He or she will build a friendly relationship which develops into giving treats, sweets, money or cuddles, before abusing the child. The child may feel that if they reject their abuser's advances, they will also lose their “love”, the treats or the nice feelings they have. The child could be made to feel that they have been naughty, that it was their fault the abuse happened, so they have no right to say “no”. They may be threatened with dreadful consequences if they tell so the awful secret remains locked up for years.
Speaking to a man he was sentencing to a term of imprisonment for sexual abuse against a boy, a judge is reported to have said, “You took steps to groom him for your own sexual gratification and abused the trust he placed in you. So skilled in that were you that he never breathed a word to anyone. Abuse can cause deep psychological confusion and although this man has gone on to lead a relatively normal life, he has had to keep this dark secret for so long.”
Can women sexually abuse?
Although women are convicted of sexual offences against children far less frequently than men, we do know that some are. The dreadful case of Fred and Rosemary West shows that women are capable of serious sexual assaults upon boys, girls and young people. In CCPAS, an organisation hearing from churches and individuals every day about abuse issues, we will often hear from people who have experienced abuse by women. That abuse has left them traumatised. A Panorama interview featured a mother whose young teenage son had been targeted and abused for two years by a woman. Unfortunately when this had been picked up by the media, it was described as a 13 year old “having an affair” with an older woman, rather than an adult abusing a child.
Abuse closer to home
Sexual abuse is most often perpetrated by family members mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, cousins, grandparents and step-parents. How can a child break the “silence barrier” and tell another relative particularly if their abuser has said, “Mummy/Daddy said it's OK” or “No one will believe you” or “I'll go to prison if you tell.” Children can grow up feeling that their family's abusive behaviour is like every other family. Perhaps it's not until a child has sex education lessons at school that they begin to understand, “This is not normal”. However, how can they begin to tell at that point? Those kind of things are not discussed in their family. In Helping Victims of Sexual Abuse (Heitritter L & Voight J, Bethany House), the “no talk” rules are “likened to having an 'elephant' in the living room: A family member announces that an elephant is in the living room but the other members of the family look astonished and reply that there is not an elephant in the living room. Meanwhile they walk around the “elephant” to avoid running into it. The purpose of the no-talk rule is, therefore, to convince the questioning family member that the incest 'elephant' is not the problem but rather that he or she is the problem for breaking the no-talk rule.”
Why do people abuse sexually?
This is a hard question. Most people never cross the invisible line of sexual abuse but some do. Most people who have been abused don't go on to abuse others but there are some who do. I have heard from adults who confess, in deep distress, that following their abuse and their sexual feelings being aroused, they have, as children, experimented with their peers or siblings. Generally they reach a place where they know that this is wrong and they must not do it again.
Others who persuade themselves this is normal behaviour and not wrong, may grow up and go on to abuse hundreds of children (including babies) and young people, in their lifetime. They may begin a walk down a path which leads only to misery and destruction. They can wreak havoc in a church, a school, a residential home or a family.
For this reason CCPAS has spearheaded training sessions in churches and children's organisations, and offers advice and support to those dealing with abuse. You can write to us for details of our publications, such as Guidance to Churches - protecting children and appointing children's workers.
Dealing with the fall-out of sexual abuse
Abuse affects not just the child or young person. We talk to parents and church leaders who are in deep anguish because of the “ripple effect” of abuse. Look at the articles like Angry Christians to see how abuse affected the whole family.
The abused person may find faith in God a real struggle. I've written about that in Child Abuse - a challenge . If you are offering pastoral care or counselling to a christian survivor of abuse, you should be aware of these issues. Do ensure that this hurting person feels your acceptance of them rather then condemnation “Why didn't you tell? Why didn't you say 'no'? Why can't you forgive after all this time? You shouldn't be angry!” They need to understand that God accepts them unconditionally and that He has grieved over the way His little ones have been wronged (Matt 18). They need to know that there is a real hope for healing though it may take time.
The Government publication 'Working Together to Protect Children' says this about the impact of sexual abuse:
'Disturbed behaviour including self-harm, inappropriate sexualised behaviour, sadness, depression and a loss of self-esteem, have all been linked to sexual abuse. Its adverse effects may endure into adulthood. The severity of impact on a child is believed to increase the longer abuse continues, the more extensive the abuse, and the older the child. A number of features of sexual abuse have also been linked with severity of impact, including the extent of premeditation, the degree of threat and coercion, sadism, and bizarre or unusual elements. A child's ability to cope with the experience of sexual abuse, once recognised or disclosed, is strengthened by the support of a non-abusive adult carer who believes the child, helps the child understand the abuse, and is able to offer help and protection.'
The courage to tell by Margaret Kennedy (CTBI 1999) gives a greater understanding of the effects of abuse on adult survivors and expands on issues of trust, shame, guilt, self-blame, fears, phobias, flashbacks, panic attacks, sexuality and intimacy problems, anger and rage, isolation, powerlessness, sleep disorders, sadness and grief, self-injury and disassociative disorders (comparatively rare, and sometimes called multiple-personality disorders).
So what for the future?
I know that most people never forget what happened to them and we must not minimise the long-term damage that may occur. Sadly there are churches and leaders who compound abuse by giving 'quick-fix' solutions to deep problems, leaving people more messed up than ever. However there are many people who, over time, have come to a place of freedom, with some having used their own experience to help others. Of course that does not justify the abuse they suffered. The journey may have included counselling and prayer ministry. If this article has raised issues for you, don't push them under the carpet again but find a way to start on the journey to freedom yourself.
Written by Pauline Pearson
