This article is the second in a series aiming to help those who are caring for children who have moved to new families as part of their history of being in care or through being adopted. The challenges presented by parenting children with such experiences can cause much soul searching, especially for conscientious Christian carers.

We all like things to be predictable and if we are skilled parents or carers we expect to be able to understand our children and work out logically how they will behave. Sometimes with looked after or adopted children it is simply not like that!

UNDERSTANDING THE DIFFICULTY

Children can behave in an unpredictable and unacceptable way for many reasons. When a child has moved families she or he may carry with them a 'birth family shadow'. This is a term used by Hajel and Rosenberg (1991) to describe the effect of the child carrying an idea of how his or her former family may have acted, including how the relationships would have been. They then measure the present family against that image. Sometimes the shadow is very open and obvious, as when a child is able to say that "My real mummy always let me eat my food in my bedroom". At other times it is more of a feeling or an idea. This is when it can lead to unpredictable behaviour as the child wrestles with feelings of conflict they cannot express. The carers may be very aware too, of the shadow of the birth family hanging over them and this can affect the way they handle the child.

For the child who has been abused, the 'unpredictable' behaviour may be a strategy that was useful in avoiding or minimising abuse. Or alternatively, it might be a result of the abuse. In the first case, erratic behaviour such as hiding under a table is easily seen as a left-over strategy for keeping out of the way if an abusing parent is around. However, consider the scenario where an older child wants to protect a younger one. In this case, the unpredictable behaviour, if it has been bad enough, will have drawn the attention from the younger child to the older one. Or, where there has been neglect, unpredictable behaviour may have served as a means of obtaining attention. When viewed in that light, unpredictable behaviour can be recognised as useful behaviour that no longer has usefulness.

What about the truly chaotic behaviour, when a child can be playing happily and then suddenly throws a tantrum? The child may have post-traumatic stress disorder. This is likely if he or she also has nightmares, sleep problems, is always alert and over-watchful, has poor attention and startles easily or is nervous and/or talks often about death or injury. The unpredictable behaviour may be the result of a flashback, where the child has intrusive thoughts about past abuse. Something may happen to trigger feelings which then cause a panic reaction in the child, displayed as a tantrum or running off. This can happen at both a conscious and subconscious level. For example, a child can be aware of something that immediately reminds him or her of a bad experience such as a man with a moustache who looks very like the abuser. Alternatively the child may suddenly have feelings of fear or great sadness and may not be able to explain this, but may have a screaming tantrum instead. In a two year old this may be acceptable, but in an older child or teenager it becomes a major difficulty.

Children can have some sudden reactions which are not directly linked to aversive situations. These have so frequently been presented in my clinics that I have named them 'Timeholes'. It is as if the trigger for the timehole has collected emotional meaning over time so that something ordinary has become a strong unconscious reminder of subsequent hurts and fears. For example, offering a chocolate biscuit may have been a good thing when a boy lived with his mother, but now, because of his mother's subsequent eventual rejection, he screams when offered a chocolate biscuit.

Separation and loss can cause unpredictability as the child struggles to cope with heavy emotions during busy everyday life. Every child placed in care has experienced some loss through leaving behind family, schools, friends, locality, possessions and other important things. The separation issues may be even more obvious when the child has contact with a former carer or birth parent. Children may have to deal with emotional conflicts which lead to them feeling that they have to choose which carer to love. The sheer pressure of all this stress can cause the child to react violently at any time.

It is important to consider the child's developmental level when trying to understand unpredictable behaviour. Some stages of life, especially toddlerhood, around the age of 5 and adolescence, are times of great change when the child or young person makes great moves to becoming independent. For toddlers, this is a time when they see themselves as separate from their mothers. For 5-year-olds, they are moving into a world where school dominates their lives. For adolescents, it is a move from being a dependant child to becoming an adult. Most children and young people will express some difficult behaviour at these times. However, for those who have moved to new families there may also be problems of attachment when they are trying to form closer relationships at the same time as being developmentally ready to break away. Additionally, the adolescent may be striving to develop their own identity and that will usually involve establishing links with their past and reviving relationships that give them biological roots.

CASE EXAMPLE

John aged 14 had been adopted when he was nearly three years old. He had been with short-term foster carers before then, having been taken into care when he was 6 months old. He had never had any contact with his birth parents. He was not able to remember any of his early history, but as he grew up he had been told as much as his adoptive parents knew. He had been a relatively easy child until he reached 13 years when he became very unpredictable. He often shouted and screamed for no apparent reason, even on several occasions yelling that his adoptive mother was not his real mother and could not tell him what to do. In therapy, he broke down, saying he did not know who he was anymore.

HELPING YOUR CHILD

How you help your child will depend on your understandng of the difficulty. There are a few ways that are useful, whatever the cause. Most of those that refer to the controlling child (see Caring, Winter 2002) will also be relevant here, but the main guidelines for helping your child settle down are:

• Provide the child with a caring, consistent environment
• Do not let the child's unpredictability permeate into the rest of the family. Routine is very important to help the child feel more able to be consistent.
• Teach your child how to gain attention in an appropriate way.
• Be prepared for your child to pick up on the 'atmosphere' in your home. If you need to disagree with others, try to discuss it in a calm way, being especially careful to help the child see that you can disagree but still be friends.
• As always, reward acceptable behaviour in preference to punishing bad. This will help the child to relax in your placement and know that he or she is valued. It will also gain greater results and quicker healing of a hurting child.

Additionally, if your child is unpredictable because they are stuck in inappropriate strategies:

• Building a trusting, secure relationship is extremely important.
• New strategies will need to be taught to 'push out' the old ones. Your child may be able to help you think of these, e.g. coming for a cuddle when she feels like crying.
• Help your child build skills in talking through difficulties through creating the right atmosphere for them to do so.

If your child appears to be having flashbacks, slipping into timeholes or responding to loss:

• Reassurance is vital because the child is re-experiencing unhappy or frightening events or feelings.
• Let your child have more time to work through feelings, even if they have to miss a club.
• Encourage some calm, quiet, relaxing routines.
• Explain to your child that sometimes past experiences can affect them now, even if they cannot remember them clearly.
• Encourage your child to be aware of feelings that lead up to an angry outburst and tell you about them.

If your child is nearing or in their teens help them as they find their identity:

• Take time to help them understand that who they are is more than just their biological roots.
• Use activities with them which help them undertand the different roles of people who are parenting them (see the Creative Therapy books in the reference list). The child's social worker, or a close friend, may be happy to help with this.
• Be prepared to listen and not condemn.
• Value your adolescent's views and try to help them discuss the pros and cons for them, rather than dismiss them.
• Give them age appropriate responsibility as far as possible.

If you are able to, and if your child seems to need it, assure your child that you will help to find their birth parent(s) when they are 18. Even hearing your commitment to something as important to them as this can be helpful in establishing a better relationship and showing that you recognise their need.

However long you have had your child you are likely to experience some difficulties with unpredictable behaviour. Use your Church to support you through this time. It often helps to sit back from the problem, discuss it with a friend, your house-group leader or your Pastor and brainstorm ideas about the way forward. Remember that although your child will need firm, loving boundaries, punishment rarely works with damaged children, especially if they do not see themselves or their possessions as valuable, or when their bad behaviour has come from past hurts and rejections.

THE CHILD WHO DOES NOT HEAL

If you follow these guidelines for several months and there are no signs of even small improvement, then you may need some guidance in helping your child. Talk to your social worker/adoption support agency or request a referral to see a clinical psychologist through your family doctor.

References
Hajel, F. & Rosenberg, E.B.(1991) The Family Life Cycle in Adoptive Families American J. Orthopsychiatry, 61, 1, 78-85.

Hobday, A. (2001) Timeholes: A useful metaphor when explaining unusual or bizarre behaviour in children who have moved families. Clinical Child Psychology & Psychiatry, 6:1, 41-47

Hobday, A. & Ollier, K. (1998) Creative Therapy: Activities with Children and Adolescents. BPS Blackwell, Oxford.

Hobday, A., Kirby, A. & Ollier, K. (2002) Creative Therapy for Children in New Families. BPS Blackwell, Oxford.

Howe, D., Brandon, M., Hinings, D. & Schofield, G. (1999) Attachment Theory, Child Maltreatment and Family Support. MacMillan Press, London.

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