Q: How do I deal with the upset caused to my fostered child when she visits her birth family? (Helen - Foster Carer)

A: I'm glad you asked me that, it's a good question for the first in the “Ask Angela” series!

Often, looked after children who have contact with their birth parents experience very confused feelings before, during and after contact. Sometimes these feelings can take a long time to subside. Basically, the child feels torn between loyalties and may feel a strong sense of love for his or her birth family, which causes an internal struggle because of their feelings for the foster carers. It seems like the stronger the attachment to the foster carers, the worse the conflict that is experienced. In some cases, the child cannot hold love for one person without hating the other. Many children become so disturbed by this rush of feelings that they show all sorts of difficulties in the foster home. The child may become withdrawn, or very angry or challenging. Sometimes the distress is shown through anxiety or problems with soiling or wetting.

The same sort of symptoms of distress can be seen when the contact is handled badly, perhaps through people not turning up or through poor supervision. A birth parent may be so concerned about their child, or miss them so much, that they question their child about the placement, which can make the child feel guilty or anxious. Given that contact is nearly always part of the plan for the looked after child, it is best to help the child by reducing the amount of conflict or stress around it. Here are some ideas for helping your foster daughter. As I don't know her name, I have called her 'Sally'.

Try to ensure that there are really well planned contact times, that everyone sticks to the plans made, and there are no last-minute disappointments or upsets.

Accept that Sally has feelings for her birth family and reassure her that this is natural and you are happy about it. Give her permission to love you both.

Explain to Sally about how love works. A good way of demonstrating this is by talking about how love can be overflowing. Take two glasses, and under a running tap fill them to overflowing. Leave the tap running as you talk about love being like the water which keeps on coming even when the love is given out. If she's going to Junior Church, she may know some Christian songs that you can use to help her understand this in the context of God's love.

If she is being given conflicting messages by her birth parents, then encourage Sally to talk things through with the social worker. For example, it would be very powerful for her to hear from the social worker that the Court has decided she is staying with you, if this is the case. Be prepared for her to be distressed at first after hearing about this, especially if her birth parents are saying she will go home.

If secrets are being whispered to Sally during contact sessions, then this needs to be brought to the attention of the social worker. Try to tell the child's social worker about it from the point of view of the effect on Sally. For example, “I am worried about the stress Sally feels when her Mum is whispering that she must ring her stepfather. Sally says her Mum has told her he won't abuse her any more and he wants to see her again. Sally has told me this frightens her.” You may need to teach Sally the difference between 'good' secrets and 'bad' secrets, helping her to realise that if she feels uncomfortable about it, or upset, then this is probably a bad secret.

If she is receiving lots of presents on contact visits, then it might be a good idea to discuss this with the social worker. I don't know Sally's age, but younger or more immature children see presents as a measure of a person's love. This leads to confusion for a child who has been put into care for protection from an abusive parent and in any child can lead to false hopes or expectations.

If she is being teased or told off about her clothes, hairstyle, beliefs etc. by her birth parents, then this is something for the social worker to try to sort out. Your part in this will be to encourage her and praise her even more than you usually do.

Finally, re-orientate Sally on her return from contact by quickly getting her back into your ordinary routine, with your normal family rules. Help her to look forward to other things you are doing in that week. If there's nothing much happening then see if she can have a friend to play or if you can do something just with her. Use some of those claiming behaviours you probably used when she first came to you talking about how she is like you and the rest of your family, re-establishing her as the eldest, youngest or wherever she is in your family, reminding her of maybe something that's happening in Church on Sunday etc.

Children do adapt and cope with contact visits and many birth parents will listen to social workers and try to help their child. However, you will need support and diplomacy while working on this problem; so don't forget to ask your church to pray!

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