Copyright © 2005 All rights reserved. [Churches Child Protection Advisory Service]
The question of how to be a loving parent and bring up a child in the ways s/he should go are never far from the minds of those with children. Children, like parents, are all individuals and it is clear that two children in the same family can be very different in their temperament. So many of the responses when the subject of discipline is raised are anecdotal. Phrases like, "I know some one who... or My parents used to... and it did me no harm" so often form the basis of parental action on discipline.
In other situations a quotation on discipline is taken from a scriptural misquote "spare the rod and spoil the child". The quotation is taken from the Old Testament and is used as an unqualified instruction to parents to use physical punishment or else the child will be ill-disciplined.
It is true that in proverbs there are definite references to the use of a stick (Ch. 23 V: 13,14) and reassurance that the child won't die, but will be saved from hell. What is too often forgotten is that the rod and staff were used for comfort and guidance. (Psalm 23:4).
The issue for me is not whether the scriptures can be scoured to find some support if a parent strikes a child or administers physical punishment, but rather whether, by considering the way our heavenly Father disciplines us, we can find some concepts to bring internal discipline to the child as early as possible.
Ephesians 6:4... and now a word to you parents. Don't keep on scolding and nagging your children, making them angry and resentful. Rather bring them up with the loving discipline the Lord himself approves, with suggestions and godly advice. (The Living Bible)
The example of parenting in Luke 2 when Jesus stayed behind in the temple is a good place to start.
How anxious and fraught Jesus' parents must have been, yet they communicated their concern for him in a gentle and clear, but not hostile, way. He responded by accepting their discipline and returned with them to Nazareth. Mary and Joseph took responsibility for the guidance of their son and reacted with respect not hostility. God chose for Jesus to grow to maturity through the normal processes of human development.
Luke 2:52 gives the task description for parenting, ..."and Jesus grew in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and man." Wisdom speaks of mental and emotional growth, stature of physical growth, in favour with God of spiritual growth and with man of growth in personal relationships.
We see that the tool of trade of the parent is too often limited to a physical aspect of discipline. My wife and I counsel and train in aspects of relationships and take the opportunity in seminars to open up the aspect of discipline. The resultant broadening of the concept of discipline to include factors such as guidance, role model, example, negotiation, uncondifional love, concern, limits, set goals, punishment of various kinds, instruction and affirmation.
If we begin to take our responsibilities seriously, but limit our responses to an early use of control and physical punishment, the result may be pleasing in the short term by the obedient action of the young child but the opportunity to discuss and learn why and how may be lost and not reappear until some years later. The emphasis is so often on punishment rather than discipline and there is quite a difference. The difference is similar to that between God's Grace and God's Law.
In Christ we no longer live under Law, receiving what we deserve, but under grace receiving that which will help us grow in faith.
Under a system of law and punishment, the children behave out of fear of what will happen to them if they misbehave. Under discipline by grace children obey out of love for their parents and a desire to please them.
I want to relate two examples that may amplify what I want to convey.
At a seminar near Coventry I had suggested that the use of physical punishment often misses the opportunity to learn and see where we as parents may be misreading the situation. A young parent challenged me at lunch time - I miss quite a few meals this way. He sadly related how he was losing the control of his 3 year old daughter and was finding he was having to smack her more and more and yet it only seemed to increase her defiance.
By way of an example he described how his 3 year old daughter was in the lounge with his 1 year old daughter when a wail arose. The 3 year old had taken a book away from the 1 year old. This book belonged to the 3 year old but she wasn't reading it so Dad instructed that the book remain with the 1 year old. Two minutes later the same incident occurred and this time, Dad warned of the consequences if the 3 year old removed the book again, a smacking. Two minutes later, the wails began so a smack was administered and no doubt the 3 year old will not take a book in the future, even if it does belong to her.
I prayed inwardly for inspiration and gently asked whether books were important in the household. The man's wife had joined us and she pointed out how he so often made a point of telling his young daughters not to touch books, whether he was there or not, as daddy's books were important and not to be handled by his daughters.
He had every reason to make that instruction, but it dawned with sadness upon him that it was just possible that his daughter wanted to be like daddy, have important books and keep them out of the hands of littler ones. His example has been in conflict with his instruction to his 3 year old and that conflict was at the root of the apparent disobedience. In seeking to discover why his daughter acted that way he learned something about her and about himself. Smacking had only gained silent obedience.
The second example is of a 24 year old man whom I had been summoned urgently to see as he had sought to borrow money from his father and, on receiving a refusal, he had pressed his dad against a wall and hit him. This family were in the church and all members were Christians. The father, who was the minister, was quite shocked and the son was quickly repentant. I saw the young man again, as I was aware that he had been particularly violent on a few occasions, and sought to find out why he had acted so violently.
Initially, he portrayed his father as a kind father for whom he had nothing but love and admiration. Further pointed questioning revealed, however, that the usual way of discipline and control was a stick. On asking when this ceased the young man said bitterly, "When I became 14 and was bigger than him and broke the stick so he wouldn't use it any more Control had been established but the internal control was still lacking. The end result had been a dutiful son, but one who had learned by observation that the stronger should have their own way. When I regard how my heavenly Father disciplines me I see how He brings words of instruction, sends the Comforter to show me truth, forgives me quickly for the wrongs I commit and wants to move on to build relationship with me. He does this because he loves me unconditionally and is committed to my development as His son. It is true that He has the right to expect obedience from me and eventually my very life is in His hands. He behaves towards me, however, with forgiveness and grace, with unconditional love so that, in the security that he will stop at nothing to convince me of His commitment and covenant with me, I want to respond in obedience. Punishment is His final resort if the relationship has been ruptured and of no effect.
We can see that there is a distinction between discipline that is effectively punishment and discipline that brings maturity and internal controls.
Behaviour of someone parenting through grace:
There will still be times when the child acts selfishly, unacceptably and needs to have the action disapproved and stopped. The focus is then on the bad behaviour, not on the rejection of the child. The aim should then be to avoid the bad behaviour dominating our time and attention, and becoming a struggle between the parent and the child.
In closing, I realise that in such a short article the whole subject can only be touched on fleetingly. I want to thank my Heavenly Father for such an example to me that has allowed me to see my three off-spring become disciplined and loving children who are now my adult friends.
Andy has a special understanding of, and insight into, the needs of physically and sexually abused children and adults, and has taught extensively on counselling skills, and family inter-personal relationships. He has a background of senior management with Social Services and has worked extensively with adoption and child care agencies. He is married to Dot and they have three grown up children.
