ADOPTION AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE

One of the things I was aware of early on in the adoption process was that adoption of, in particular, older children was more like an eastern arranged marriage - where one is matched' with one's partner by people who know you and think that you can develop a love and bond with one another - than a western marriage which is often based on love at first sight or a growing attraction.

FORMING A BOND

Friends who have birth children have told us how they began to form a relationship whilst their child was in the womb and how at birth there was a sense of shared experience (of kicking and being kicked, a changing body for both embryo and mother) that went a long way to creating the bond between parent and child. As the child developed so parents were aware of their child's experiences if not directly involved with them (e.g. what happened when left with a childminder or at nursery).

In the child's early years at least one parent is aware of how the child's character is being formed by its experiences and is directing these experiences to bring out the child's interests and abilities. Yet, often one parent, particularly the father, feels excluded from the birth process, the breast feeding, and may feel that the bonding is unequal because they themselves did not carry the child - both parents begin at the same starting post. There has been no development and growth in the mother's body so there can be no claim for extra closeness based on the fact of carrying the child. Both parents in adoption meet their child/ren at the same time and as with arranged marriages it is often not love at first sight but a decision that this relationship will bring to the child the right ingredients of love and parenting they need. The social workers who know the children act like marriage-makers as they work out what the parents can offer and what the child needs. In theory older adoptive children could be better matched with their parents than natural children as social workers would be unlikely to place children who enjoy the outdoor life and sport with people who hate exercise etc.

THE GROWTH OF LOVE

And so, as in arranged marriages, the relationship with your children grows as you get to know them and they get to know you. As they settle into your life they learn about your character, just as you are learning about theirs, and in some ways they are in a more equal position than natural children. Natural children were not around with their parents' characters were being formed. So it is a coming together, to learn and grow together and to love one another. It involves working at the feelings by staying in there with it and not walking away, and gradually the feelings of love come. For me it has meant that I am growing in love for the children as I get to know them more. My commitment is to carry on growing in love and to look forward to a growing depth of love as the years go on.

A DEEPENING LOVE

A Muslim friend of mine who had an arranged marriage that is strong and full of love and respect for one another talked to me about the gradual awakening in her heart of love for her husband rather than the act of love coming from her head. But it came after she had learnt to love her husband by her actions -by thinking of his needs, by learning his character, by being ready to forgive and forget and to carry on into a deeper love. So it is with my love for the children; it is gradually changing from a love that was the kind of love I felt for a lot of friends, and from a love that was about keeping a commitment to putting that person's needs first and wanting the best for them, to a deeper feeling that comes from a knowledge of them and a sense of shared experiences and oneness.

LOSSES AND COMPENSATIONS

In adopting an older child I know that we will not be able to ‘create' a child in our own image in the way we might have chosen to or wanted to if we'd had natural children. I can't introduce them as babies to the things I feel they would enjoy or learn from. Nor can I try to recreate a replica of myself. For someone who has spent most of their adult life talking (both socially and professionally) it has been a different experience to have children for whom language and expression are very difficult.

I feel a sense of sadness for all the lack of experiences my children had before they came to us, but I can rejoice in the fact that I can share many things with them as children that they did not have as babies, but that they are enjoying now (e.g. playing in the bath, being carried on my hip, playing with my necklace).

When I'm with my friends and we're sharing our ups and downs as parents I realise that they feel so responsible for their children's development “Maybe if we'd done this, this would have happened.” Perhaps adoption ‘offers a cop-out' because I can only guess and am not responsible for what might have caused our children to react in a particular way, What I am responsible for is how I deal with and work through that particular behaviour.

HELPFUL HINTS

First-time parents are often given a lot of help and advice from their friends or relatives. With adoption you are a first-time parent without the necessary folklore and hints that are shared at mums' and toddlers' groups or with other parents at the clinic. I've been really grateful to friends whom I can phone up and ask where I can buy trolls or Batman T-shirts or whatever else is the craze when your children arrive. I was also grateful for the friend who was happy to share her hints about sizes of clothes (e.g. M & S clothes come up big, Adam's clothes are smaller) and how to get rid of stains on clothing.

Likewise, I've been grateful when friends have said “You know when J was playing with your necklace? Well, that's three-year-old behaviour” and when P decided to undress himself when he didn't like what he's chosen to wear and flung his clothes round the room, it was comforting to realise that it was what the neighbour's two-year-old did and that P was probably needing to go through these experiences with us as well as behaving like a six-year-old most of the time.

IT'S STILL PARENTING

Yes, it's a different kind of parenting, but you still are the parent, making decisions about schools, comforting them when they are ill, having special family times that will be shared in our ‘forever' memories.

One advantage I'll end with is that adoption precludes the necessity of having to agree on names. Our neighbours are still trying to agree on their ten-day-old child's name. We just inherited our children's names, but it made me wonder whether or not I could have been matched with a child whose name I disliked!

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