How can we describe abuse which affects the emotions, when it can't be "pinned down" and looked at like physical and sexual abuse? What are emotions anyway? Isn't there too much emphasis on that sort of thing?

The official definition of emotional abuse would be "actual or likely severe adverse effect on the emotional development of a child caused by persistent or severe emotional ill-treatment or rejection. All abuse involves some emotional ill-treatment."

In settling down to write this article I feel quite shaky. I don't want to put pen to paper; I'm scared to commit myself, to expose my own feelings. I don't want you to feel less of me for what I write. I don't want to be thought stupid. Why should I be feeling this way? I leave you to draw your own conclusions.
Children need to feel secure, loved, wanted and respected for them to grow into confident and well-adjusted adults. They need to be affirmed in their sexuality, valued as part of the family, praised for their achievements as well as for who they are. Children need cuddles -without touch they begin to die inside.

How many of you saw the early pictures of life for children with AIDS and other disabilities in Rumania and Albania? Those pale, neglected children, often coated in filth or in ragged nightwear, had feelings and emotions but nobody seemed to care. Nobody had time to kiss them, make a fuss of them or hug them.
Emotionally, they were abused. Emotionally, they were dying.

Those were stark pictures which moved many of us to tears. They paint an extreme picture but emotional abuse happens in England, too. Have you ever heard the following?

“I wish you'd never been born.”

“Come here, you little *!*"

“You'll never succeed.”

“If you're not a good girl/boy. I'll leave you.”

“You're stupid.”

“You're a child of the devil.”
“I hate you.”

“Stop crying. Big boys/girls don't cry.”

Such statements act like curses and, if repeated often enough, will be taken on board by the child. Even babies will pick up the spoken and unspoken messages of their parents -I believe even before birth. The baby who suffers “failure to thrive” may have a medical condition but some may be “dying inside” because of rejection. It has been observed that when children from extreme emotionally abusive backgrounds are placed with carers who are able to meet all their needs, they thrive, put on weight and grow taller.
The child who is ostracised, ridiculed, ignored and rejected, will grow up thinking he is rubbish and of no account. He will allow others to walk over his feelings. One young person said to me, “I just feel so door-matty.” He or she will have no difficulty with the text, “In honour preferring one another.” They don't count anyway.

Relationships with others are often very difficult. A partner may say, “What would you like to do?” and the response so often is, “Oh, I don't mind, you choose.” How frustrating! Perhaps you know of situations like this.

A lack of respect for self may mean that the emotionally abused person will not bother about how they look, what they wear. Perhaps they feel safer in anonymous clothes that won't be noticed. Perhaps they won't get shouted at or ridiculed.

How can we help the emotionally abused?

God has a place in His heart for all those hurting people. He has commissioned us to bind up the broken hearted, to set captives free (see Isaiah 61). So it must be possible to help them. I know it is.
Just as the old, cracked record kept on repeating, ‘You're no good,” “Go away,” “Nobody likes you,” so we need to replace the messages with, “God loves you,” “You're special,” “You're very precious,” until it begins to sink in. They need to feel the warmth and acceptance of other people, too.

‘Wow, I know now that God loves me - no matter what,” said one young woman to me recently. That young person doesn't love herself yet, but she's on the road to self-acceptance.
As the knowledge of acceptance by God begins to grow, the emotionally abused person's hurts can heal. He or she will become more confident and more assertive. This may be an uncomfortable time for their family and others around them. Suddenly mum/dad has views and opinions of their own which may be totally out of keeping with how they used to be. Be patient - God hasn't finished with any of us yet!

In the meantime if a child or young person knows they can come to you, be made to feel a part of the family or the youth activity, accepted and loved by you (however unworthy they may feel) then trust can be rebuilt. Damage can be repaired and wholeness and happiness will follow.
"God loves you"

"You're special"

"You're very precious"

 

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