I've been thinking about this subject long and hard recently in relation to those abused by parents. I've also discussed it with another counsellor who has many years of experience in working with abused adults.

We both felt that the biblical view of honouring your parents was what we would call the ideal. However, when children are abused by the very people they should, biblically, be honouring, then there's a different emphasis. Matthew 12 v 46-50 has the story of Jesus being told that his mother and brothers were outside, wanting to talk to him. Jesus' response was, "Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?" Then he pointed to his disciples and said, "These are my mother and brothers. Anyone who does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother." (New Living Translation).

My view is that you can respect or honour those who fulfil the part that a parent should play. You may be able to give honour to your parents now if they have tried to make amends, seek forgiveness. That's not like honouring mum and dad, more like respecting an adult who is seeking to do the right thing. You may, in some situations, be able to build a new relationship with mum or dad but it can never be as though the abuse hadn't happened.

If we look at the whole passage in Deuteronomy 5, then you have to be aware that the first commandment is to love the Lord alone - no other gods etc. If you are physically, emotionally or sexually abusing your son or daughter (or anyone else), you are not fulfilling that commandment. If you are having a sexual relationship with your child, then you are committing adultery. You are stealing your child's innocence.

Jesus said, "You must love the Lord your God with all your soul and mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: Love your neighbour as yourself. All the other commandments and all the demands of the prophets are based on these." (Matt 22 v 3-40)

A further thought on the subject - how can we learn to honour Father God if we can only think of Father as someone who abuses / hurts / criticises / ignores us?

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