Jan 1st... I'm still awake, mind churning, thankful they've all gone off to their respective homes after the party. I've cleaned the place, chucked out the remaining food for the foxes. I can't bear the thought of eating something that HE might have touched. I feel sick to my stomach, can't imagine what Jeff is thinking about all this - our Esther, our dear, darling, mixed-up daughter, abused by Timothy Craddock. That upstanding pillar of the community, church treasurer and Jeff's best- man at our wedding, has been coming to our house all these years, with his wife and children and we never knew! He'd say, “I'll just pop up and say 'Hi' to Esther”, and we never ever suspected what he was up to! God, she's only twelve years old how could you let this happen to her? You could've stopped it, couldn't you?

It's only tonight when she suddenly freaked. “I can't stand that man!” she shouted. “If he comes in this house again, I'm leaving. I'll go and stay with Auntie Jo”
When I told her Jo was coming tonight as well, she collapsed in a tearful heap on the settee. Eventually, in between her sobs, she told us the sordid tale of what Timothy had put her through for years! God, how am I going to face that man and his poor wife in church tomorrow?

Jan 3rd...Yesterday passed in a dream nightmare. Why can't I wake up and find it's all some horrible mistake? I can't talk to Jeff. He's been busy out in the shed but when I took him some coffee, his eyes were red and there were a lot of broken flowerpots around. We didn't go to church just couldn't face anyone. I keep crying all the time but Esther seems calmer now - exhausted probably or perhaps she feels better for telling us. Someone suggested we phone the police so they've been round today to try and find out what happened. I feel so angry! If I saw Timothy in the street, I'd probably rip his eyes out. I suppose I shouldn't feel like this as a Christian. I've already had Laura Chessman on the phone (who told her?), saying in that sycophantic way, “Denise, I know what he did was wrong but you mustn't let the sun go down on your wrath.1 You should forgive him. After all, you expect God to forgive your sins.” 2,3

I gritted my teeth, told Laura, “If it had been your daughter who was abused, I doubt you'd be so sanctimonious”, and slammed the phone down. Is she right, though? But I can't forgive him, I just can't!

Jan 11th...I've been talking to a counsellor today. I was surprised when she said that God was angry sometimes and that when children were hurt or sidelined, Jesus spoke out about it. She talked about millstones being the appropriate punishment for those who offend against children.4 I could just imagine Timothy being chucked off the cross-channel ferry with millstones around him. YES!

Jun 30th...Half the year has gone and Timothy faced the judge in Crown Court today. We have prayed that he would admit to the abuse but up till now, he steadfastly maintained his innocence. This morning he suddenly changed his plea to guilty. Now Esther won't have to be cross-examined but she's been through torment over these last months, thinking about the trial. How could Timothy do this to her? He makes me sick?

Oct 9th...Esther seems much happier now Timothy's serving a four-year sentence. She's had some counselling but I can't help worrying what effect all this will have on her as she grows up and wants a boyfriend. As for Jeff and me, I don't know where we are spiritually, emotionally. It all seems so unfair! I still feel guilty, though because I just can't forgive what Timothy's done. What's more, I don't see why I have to, anyway. It's his sin, not mine, after all! If I forgive him, it'll be like he's “got off” with it. It's like it doesn't matter any more but it does matter! Our daughter has been so hurt by all this and so have we.

Jan 18th...I've decided to have another chat with my counsellor. Laura's put her oar in again, saying she's concerned that I haven't been able to get over this “episode” yet!! I wouldn't mind seeing her with a millstone round her neck - not as big as Timothy's, perhaps, but big enough to shut her up!

Mar 28th...I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. Someone lent me a battered copy of a book by Corrie Ten Boom* and I've been reading about the prison guard who came seeking her forgiveness for what he'd done to her sister in the prison camp. Corrie had been so bitter about this that it had really affected her spiritual life.5 When the man held out his hand to Corrie, she couldn't move but asked God to forgive her and to give her His forgiveness. Somehow that broke the barrier and she took his hand and forgave him - amazing!

Apr 27th ...My counsellor told me about someone she'd known who'd prayed that kind of prayer regarding the person who'd abused her as a child. It had completely turned her situation around and she was able to move on spiritually. It was as though a great load that had prevented her from growing as a person, as a Christian, had been removed. I think Jeff and I need to talk about this. It certainly seems as though we are the ones being pulled down by what happened.

Aug 16th ...It is still so hard to look at what Esther, Jeff and I have suffered, as well as all the others involved in our families and the church but I really sense that the wall of un-forgiveness is being dismantled, even if it's only one brick at a time! I think the change came when I began to tell God just how hurt I was and that I was afraid it would be letting Esther down if I forgave Timothy. I felt God said that it didn't mean that what had happened was of no account but that His love and His grace were enough to cover it. He could see that the burden I was carrying was too much for me and why didn't I give it to Him for Him to deal with?6 So that's what I'm beginning to do. I told Jeff but he seems to be in some deep pit still. Think I'll suggest he talks to the counsellor perhaps I'm too close to help.

Nov 2nd... Jeff finally told me what's been bugging him. He has been able to forgive Timothy, though it's been a struggle but he can't forgive himself. He feels he failed Esther as a father. He should've been able to protect his daughter, he reasoned (as though he could possibly have suspected that his best mate would have betrayed him!). I suggested he chatted to Esther about it and asked her forgiveness, so next thing I know, they're off to McDonalds! When they returned Jeff told me that Esther had flung her arms around him and said, “Dad, I was angry at first but I realise now you were tricked like everyone else. I'll forgive you if you'll forgive me for blaming you.”

Jan 3rd...Two years on from that dreadful day, I still have bad patches, times when it hurts. I suppose what I struggle with presently is that Timothy has never said sorry to Esther or us. He's never asked for forgiveness either. Maybe he only pleaded guilty to get a lighter sentence. I have to remind myself that God will be the one that judges him fairly. I think I will write to Timothy, say how we have suffered as a family and then tell him that I forgive him.7 After all, Jesus said, “Father, forgive them”, when He'd been nailed to a tree by the jeering mob.8

God, this feels like a crucifixion, too, if that's not being irreverent. I can see, though, that it's the only way I can take. Father, just as you have forgiven my sins, so I forgive Timothy. He's in your hands now.

One year later ...
Looking back, I can see how much I've changed. I'm not bitter anymore. I've learnt to give the pain and the anger to God rather than hang onto it. I'm beginning to know what it is to be free now. I can see why I had to forgive.

Bible references:
1 - Ephesians 4 v.26-27
2 - Luke 6 v. 37
3 - Matthew 6 v. 12
4 - Matthew 18 v.1-10
5 - Ephesians 4 v.31-32
6 - Psalm 55 v.22
7 - 2 Corinthians 2 v.5-11
8 - Luke 23 v.34

Other useful books :
The Hiding Place* - Corrie Ten Boom (Hodder & Stoughton 1971)

When Forgiveness doesn't make sense - Robert Jeffress (Waterbrook Press, 2000)

Child Sexual Abuse and the Churches - Patrick Parkinson (Youth Works 2003)

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