Caring for children who have moved to a new family is rarely easy. It can present many challenges, even for Christians who want to outpour the love of Christ and see the child transformed. Maybe the challenge is particularly hard for Christians, because we have such high expectations of ourselves and our relationships. Our Church has high expectations too, which load us with guilt if we feel we have failed with the child in our care.

This article is one of a series aiming to help those who are caring for looked after or adopted children. It aims to give a greater understanding of some of the difficulties presented by a hurting child. There are also some guidelines on how to help
the child.

UNDERSTANDING THE DIFFICULTY

To begin to help a child overcome the need to be controlling, it is important to look at the reasons that may underlie this. The reasons I am going to look at are attachment difficulties, anxiety, feelings of loss and past abuse. These four causes underlie most behaviour problems in this group of children.

Let's take attachment difficulties first. Researchers have described many different forms of attachment. The one that is positive is secure/autonomous. Briefly put, this is where a child has formed a really good, loving relationship with someone who is giving them affection and care in return, and is able to let them develop their independence. Generally, a child thrives in this environment and develops well. However, children who are looked after or adopted have generally not had an appropriate level of care by a consistent person during their early life. They have developed ways of coping which have led to different ways of relating to caregivers. Researchers describe two of these inappropriate attachment patterns as ambivalent, or disorganised (Howe et al.1999). Children whose difficulties can be described in this way tend to respond to the adult who cares for them by controlling them.

Anxiety problems can also lead to controlling behaviour. Most children who come into care will be anxious to some extent, simply because they are stepping into the unknown. Many adopted children are also anxious because they lack that basic security of knowing who they are and having family roots. One way of coping with this uncertainty and anxiety is to try to take control. An extreme version of this is the child who has obsessive compulsive disorder. She or he will do things over and over again or think certain repetitive thoughts, in the belief that by doing so they will be able to control things that are normally outside their control. Other children will work hard to make the adults around them behave in certain ways so that they become predictable and the child's
anxiety is reduced.

Feelings of loss can be enormous in the child who has moved families. The loss of a former caregiver, however punitive he or she has been, can cause the child to try to cling to and control the new carer. Some children in the care system have been in many placements. For some of these children, their need to control their carer has become stronger in each successive placement, while the ability to form a good relationship with them has become weaker. Hence their behaviour has become more controlling and this has put more strain on the placement.

If the child you look after has been abused, then the controlling behaviour may well be a coping mechanism that was absolutely vital in the abusive situation but is not relevant now. The child may have been desperately trying to take control to protect him or herself and may sometimes have been successful. Or the child may have gained control by being in possession of the 'secret' of the abuse and using this control may have been vital for the child to preserve something of him or herself amongst all the awfulness of the life they were living. An even more difficult aspect of this to understand is the need for some children to recreate an abusive situation because it is familiar. We all love familiar routines and these are generally beneficial to us but for a child whose anxiety has not been reduced until the smack has happened, there may be a need to work hard at getting that smack. No wonder some foster carers say, 'I don't know what that child is doing to me', or 'I can't understand my feelings towards that child'.

CASE EXAMPLE

Anne came into care when she was four. Before that she was largely cared for by her 10-yearold auntie, Jean, who lived in the family. Anne's mother was often depressed, and at certain times in her life had resorted to drug taking. There were two younger children in the family, Anne's half brothers. Anne and her younger brothers had come to the attention of Social Services when her playgroup leader noticed she had come to playgroup in the same clothes for three weeks without them being washed, and she had unexplained bruises on her legs.

When Anne came into care she was very demanding. She followed her foster carer, Dawn, around and would scream if a door were ever shut between them. She would not let Dawn speak to anyone else, standing between her and anyone she was talking to, grabbing her face to make her look at her. There were battles at mealtimes, when getting dressed, bath times and bedtime.

HELPING YOUR CHILD

Teaching the child to live without controlling is not easy. The child may need a long time to learn to behave any differently and to benefit from the new type of care they are receiving. Here are a few ways that have been found to make changes, but none of these will work on its own.

• Provide the child with a caring, consistent environment.
• Look after yourselves. If there are two of you providing the caring, take care of each other. Agree between you on the small areas where you would like to make changes and plan how together. Always make sure you are both doing things the same way. A controlling child can often split families down the middle!
• Have a few 'family rules' that everyone in the family sticks to. Do not make these too hard for the incoming child. You may wish to concentrate on the ones they can sometimes manage and build on those before adding in the harder ones. Make sure the child is rewarded for keeping to the rules.
• Have a policy of building on good behaviour, rather than punishing for bad. This will prevent you from falling into the trap of repeating the abusive pattern and providing punitive parenting. These are hurting, damaged children who need the correct parenting to heal. Their ability to comply and produce good behaviour is impaired and no amount of punishing for bad behaviour will help them learn the correct way to behave
• Most children who come into care will be anxious to some extent, simply because they are stepping into the unknown.
• Give the child some choices, usually between two things that you are happy with. For example, Anne, in the case above would benefit from a choice about which clothes to wear. A choice from her whole wardrobe would teach her nothing and make her feel insecure but if her foster mother found her two outfits and let her choose which one she would like to wear, then it is less likely that the getting dressed time would turn into a battle.
• Children who push into adult conversations can sometimes be taught to wait their turn by knowing they are not forgotten. Stroking the waiting child's hair or hugging him or her may help your child to know that you still care even though you are on the phone or talking. When first teaching this, stop many times to give your child a 'turn' to speak, then gradually lengthen the gap.
• Get educated - reading articles like this is useful, but fuller texts may help you understand better. Caroline Archer has written some useful texts, and the references for two books I have co-authored are below. The second one is the most useful for working with this group of children. You will find other books to help you have been referenced in those books.
• Finally, find support for yourselves. This may be through a Social Worker, or through your own group of friends and family. If you are in a Church, perhaps there are other church members who would be happy to go through the necessary police checks and be babysitters for you. Check this out with your social worker. If your child is adopted, still take special care. Although you may not want a police check done for you on potential babysitters, if your church has a Child Protection Policy you may well find that people like Sunday School teachers have already had checks done.
  

THE CHILD WHO DOES NOT HEAL

Some children will need specialist help to overcome their difficulties. If your child is one of these, do not deny them the help they need. Most clinical psychologists and other therapists will respect your faith and the support you receive from your church. They will have a positive approach to helping the child in your care. Your social worker or family doctor will assist you in finding appropriate help.

References

Archer, C. (1997) First Steps in Parenting the Child who Hurts. London: Jessica
Kingsley Publishers.

Archer, C. (1999) Next Steps in Parenting the Child who Hurts. London: Jessica
Kingsley Publishers.

Hobday, A. and Ollier, K. (1998) Creative Therapy: Activities with Children and Adolescents. Oxford: BPS Blackwell.

Hobday, A., Kirby, A. and Ollier, K. (2002) Creative Therapy for Children in New
Families. Oxford: BPS Blackwell.

Howe, D., Brandon, M., Hinings, D. and Schofield, G. (1999) Attachment Theory,
Child Maltreatment and Family Support. A Practice and Assessment Model. London: Macmillan Press Ltd.

For reasons of confidentiality, the example I have used is based my clinical experience, and is not related to any one client. It is the kind of referral I often receive.

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